Extravagant weddings and divorces abound

In my line of work I deal with weddings. Occasionally I have to talk to brides-to-be, and listen to all they go through (or all their parents go through) trying to plan a big wedding. I put together their wedding albums, I hear about how much everything costs, I see pictures of their cakes, I hear where they want to hold their receptions and all sorts of ridiculous stories, and I bear witness, both in person and through photographs, to the theatrics of it all.

The statistic that 50% of all marriages now end in divorce is well publicized. I think that if you took all the people that spend unsettling amounts of money on their weddings, all the Bridezillas, all the people who place unhealthy importance on having a big, extravagant wedding, and threw them in with the handful of people who get married on a whim in Las Vegas to someone whose name they can’t remember (or other such situation), that would pretty much take care of that fifty percent.

I imagine there are exceptions. Maybe both bride and groom want a fairy-tale wedding of sorts because of some childhood fantasy. Or an otherwise level-headed bride-to-be just has one vice, and that is the need for an opulent wedding. Or a couple is rolling in billions so a $1m, $2m, $10m wedding is no big thing (which would still be ridiculous, in my opinion). There are probably a few couples out there that can put on the whole show and are still able to produce and maintain a lifelong, functional, happy marriage.

The rest, those who have the “perfect” wedding and a miserable/unhappy/dull/fruitless/boring/etc. and/or a finite marriage, probably have at least one thing in common: the effort they put into their wedding far exceeds the effort they have ever, and will ever, put into their marriage.

Do people just not care anymore? Are we that lazy? Is the concept and practice of marriage simply changing that much? Is any human really meant to be monogamous or to mate for life? Are people just stupid? What is it in contemporary culture and society that has driven the divorce rate? It would be daft to ignore the fact that only until a few decades ago was divorce so taboo, and unhappy couples often stayed together despite abuse, absence of love, scary skeletons in the closet, infidelity, etc., because it was a disgrace to get divorced. But that can’t be the only reason, because plenty of marriages that end in divorce don’t have any of those problems, and some of them don’t even make it long to ever find out if there are any of those problems.

I would bet that a lot of people, when considering marriage, only think about the wedding and believe that everything else just falls into place. This is foolish. Marriage is merely (ostensibly) a vow of commitment, both emotional and legal, to another person. There is a reason why the traditional wedding vows mention sticking it out for one another during poverty, wealth, sickness, health, and myriad other situations. It takes work–a marriage is no less of a relationship than it was prior to being legally recognized. In fact, by committing to marriage, at least in theory, you are actually agreeing to work HARDER at the relationship than before–because now it’s supposed to last forever. I’m not one of those crazies who believes divorce is wrong and that a woman should always forgive infidelity and that a couple should stay together at all costs. I know lots of people who, when their parents got divorced, said, “THANK GOD, IT’S ABOUT TIME.” Sometimes you think you’ve found it, and you’re wrong. I’m aware of that.

And I’m not someone who’s all preachy about the institution of marriage. I just don’t see the point of legally binding yourself to someone–with all the financial and other baggage that comes with that–if you’re not going to commit to it or take it seriously. If you’re that incapable of being faithful, or nice, or respectful, or willing to face relationship problems or sex problems or parenting problems or are willing to leave someone over an empty jar of strawberry preserves left in the fridge…DON’T GET MARRIED. These days, there’s no rule that says that two people who love one another and want to be together are required to get married. What’s the point? Save the time, save the money, save your assets from your could-be ex that would laugh his/her way to the bank, save the grief, save the emotional issues of your could-be children, and save me from having to listen to religous talking heads and faithful politicians whining about what’s happening to the institution of marriage. We hear enough of that now that THE GAYS (dun dun dunnnnnnnnn) want to get married.

Perhaps people don’t realize what a marriage really is because we pay so much attention to movies, TV, “reality” shows, and Hollywood romances. Or maybe our culture of excess has gotten so fierce that we can never be content with what we have, no matter how wonderful it is.